Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
