Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
