i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
