pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
