i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
