There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
