You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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