If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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