That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
