You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I can't trust your balls anymore.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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