Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
