I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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