i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
