I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
