Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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