i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
