Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
