Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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