i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
