This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
