After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
