Your mouth is God's brothel.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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