i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
