my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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