grandma shit on top of the toilet
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
