OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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