I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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