dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
