We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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