Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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