I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i now understand why vodka
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
