My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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