the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
