That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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