weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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