im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
