dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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