There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
