I just made out with a guy for $7.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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