Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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