why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
