If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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