i wish my penis had a tongue
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
