I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
