I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
