so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
