matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
