You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
