her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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