Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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