so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
